The 2025 "Bless Your Heart" Awards: Wilmington’s Finest Failures

By George Wilmington, NC

Grab your iced coffee and pull up a chair, folks. We made it to the end of 2025.

It’s been a long year in the Port City. We’ve battled bridge traffic, humidity that makes hair spray obsolete, and tourists who don’t know how a roundabout works. But nothing—and I mean nothing—entertains me quite like the local police blotter.

While the City Council hands out keys to the city, I’m here to hand out the unofficial participation trophies for the absolute worst decision-making skills in the 910 area code.

Here are my nominees for Wilmington’s Moron of the Year.

1. The "Math Is Hard" Award: The THC Cartridge Bandit

The Situation: A local teen pleaded guilty to attempted robbery. His prize? One singular THC vape cartridge. My Take: Listen, I’m not a career criminal, but I have watched enough Dateline to know about risk vs. reward. If you are going to catch a felony charge, maybe aim higher than a disposable vape that costs $29.99 at the gas station? You risked 10-to-20 in the state pen for a buzz that lasts 20 minutes. The math isn't mathing, sweetie.

2. The "Stay in Your Lane" Award: The Town of Fuquay-Varina

The Situation: A town three counties away had the audacity to ask if they could put a straw in the Cape Fear River and slurp up 6 million gallons of our water a day. My Take: Excuse me? We are already fighting for our lives with the PFAS/GenX situation down here, and now folks from the suburbs of Raleigh want to come drink our milkshake? The Wilmington City Council politely said "absolutely not," which is government speak for "Get off my lawn." Read the room, Fuquay.

3. The "It’s Not Fertilizer" Award: The Non-Scoopers

The Situation: The City actually had to launch a "Super Scooper" marketing campaign because you guys won't pick up your dog's business. My Take: I love dogs. I tolerate most dog owners. But if the local government has to spend my tax dollars on graphic design just to remind you that poop belongs in a bag, you are the problem. It’s not "organic material," Chad. It’s a health hazard on the Riverwalk. Do better.

4. The "One Crime at a Time" Award: Guy Braxton Williams

The Situation: This local genius got busted with 4,100 fentanyl pills. And how did he draw attention to himself? By keeping a stolen dirt bike on the property. My Take: This is Criminal 101. If you are sitting on a Breaking Bad level of narcotics, do not keep a loud, stolen vehicle in the driveway! That is like robbing a bank and then driving away with your turn signal on for three miles. The lack of subtlety is frankly insulting to the investigators.

5. The "Uber Exists" Award: Wrightsville Beach DWIs

The Situation: The sheer volume of DWIs coming out of Wrightsville Beach this December. My Take: It is 2025. You have a computer in your pocket that can summon a stranger to drive you home in a Honda Civic for $15. Why are you still trying to drive home from the beach bars? Wrightsville Beach cops have nothing else to do in the winter but wait for you to swerve. You aren't "fine to drive," you're just nominating yourself for this list.

And the Winner Is...

Honorable mention to the thirsty folks in Fuquay-Varina, but the THC Cartridge Bandit takes the crown. Ruining your life for a vape pen is a level of chaotic stupidity that I almost have to respect. Almost.